You can call me Dr. Mom...

This week my first born graduated from college and with that has come a reflection on his educational journey over the past 18.5 years and my experiences with him over the past 22 years. This amazing and complex young man has truly made me the mother and woman I am today. He “broke me in” as a mommy when I was just the same age as he is now. Anyone who knows him now would be astounded to learn that he hasn’t always been the quiet, thoughtful and patient young man that he is respected for today! I am very proud of him and not for the reasons that most people would ever think.

Yes, it is a great accomplishment to graduate from college with honors (we are waiting until final grades are posted to know if it is Cum Laude or Magna Cum Laude), without ever having to pay a penny to said university because everything was paid for through scholarships. What baffles me is that this was done by a student who decided in the third grade that, “I don’t need to do homework, there are other things that make better use of my time”. He learned very early on that he didn’t have to study to get good grades, he could cut corners and still retain the information and on most days throughout his education, he was bored to tears in his classes. Yet, he has gained great knowledge and established interesting insights and perspectives on the world and life during his education and life. He has a grounded approach and handling on everything, not letting emotions interfere with his decision-making or in steering him away from his values and morals.

When he graduated from high school, he was given the department medal for his achievement….in physical education! What confused us at the awards ceremony when this acknowledgment was announced, was that he wasn’t even registered in any P.E. classes his senior year. When we asked him if possibly there was a mistake and how could he win this medal without having a P.E. class on his schedule, he explained that it was because during his last year at his Catholic prep high school, he had participated in every P.E. class because he had finished his work in his Advanced Biology, AP Calculus and AP English as well as other classes and requested a pass to go to the gym classes. The next day, I called the head of the P.E. department and asked him how it was possible for my son to win the medal at the awards night, to which he explained that the teachers and he had agreed that my son had earned this through his attendance and participation even though he wasn’t on the rosters! I commend him for finding a way to participate in school and fight the boredom he experienced when sitting in class with nothing to do!

His problem solving skills and great ability in math was learned not from text books or teachers. He was a self-taught mathematician and reader, learning the basics of multiplication at age three and teaching himself to read at 18 months! Understandably, he was not easily detoured when I would disconnect the TV and cable when I would go to bed at night so as to prevent him from rising early and watching television, usually cooking shows, Japanese lessons or painting shows, when he was around four years old. He would just reconnect all of the cords, cables and watch TV at 5:00 am. Once, when he was also three, he fished lawn chairs out of the swimming pool when I was putting his baby sister down for a nap. You’d think I wasn’t a very diligent parent when hearing that story, but the actuality was that he got into the pool by moving a chair to the key rack in the kitchen to get the pool gate key, then taking a different chair to the back door to climb up and unlock the deadbolt and chain lock to get to the back yard. Once there, he moved his Lil Tikes car over to the pool gate, where he climbed on top of the car to then use the key to unlock and remove the lock to open the gate, so he could then climb down, enter the pool area to remove the two chairs when had blown into the pool after the wind storm. After removing the chairs, he put them back to the spots where they were normally placed and then did everything in reverse, putting everything back to the respectively designated places. All of this was done during the 20 minutes it took to nurse and put a baby down to nap! I am so thankful I didn’t come out to a different sight than my pre-schooler sitting where I left him watching the Land Before Time, and everyday since then, I have been thankful for his strategic and analytical skills, which have continued to amaze me and surprisingly keep him safe!

Every child and person is different, and what I have learned from my oldest child has made me a different person as well. I thought I was in for a long haul when he was born and refused to be put down because he demanded constant attention. What I now realize was that he was bored and wanted the interaction and stimulation. He has become a unique adult and is so comfortable and confident in his own uniqueness and doesn’t feel the pressure or need to impress others or pretend to be anybody he is not. Not many young men would have the confidence to be the high school mascot and be the only male cheerleader on the team. What I learned from my son through these experiences was that he refused to let other people define him or put in in a box or on the football field, just as he refused to be put in the bassinet as a baby! He has always know what it takes many a lifetime to learn – let your voice be heard to be who you are meant to be.

I got a degree in Media Arts in 1996 and finished another degree in December 2010 thanks to my son, I earned a doctorate in parenting after 22 years of study with him. Congratulations on your Bachelor of Science son, and thank you for my education, I couldn’t have done it without you.

The Party May Be Over, But Don't Turn Out The Lights

Last Sunday, sports legend Don Meredith passed away in the small town of Santa Fe, NM. After an accomplished career in the NFL, Meredith squired greater fame for his color commentary on Monday Night Football, ending the broadcast with lines from the classic Willie Nelson song, “The Party’s Over”, howling each week, “Turn out the lights, the party’s over”. The words rang loudly for the fans of the losing team each week, driving home the “L” in the stat books.
In the neighboring state of Arizona, there has been much attention this week, both locally and nationally, on the life of another great athlete, Tiffany Tate, and the battle to save her life. Tate has never played sports professionally, but has lived a life dedicated to being an athlete in spite of her daily struggle to breathe caused by Cystic Fibrosis. She grew up on the soccer field and on the basketball court, always giving her all to her team. Even now, unable to work in a traditional job because of her disease, she still gives her all to another team, coaching girls basketball at Seton Catholic Prep High School in Chandler. Instead of giving up, she is helping out as a volunteer of her time, talent and love. Why is she in the news?
After 27 years, and now at only 25 percent lung capacity, Tiffany faces the need for a lung transplant to go on living. That hope was quashed when she received a letter in July notifying her that she had been removed from the transplant list, due to the budget cutbacks and reduction in coverage through AHCCCS, her state provided health insurance, now excluding the transplant, estimated at $227,000. She has become the face and story representing 96 other Arizonans penalized with the same death sentence issued by the denial of coverage.
According to www.azsenatedemocrats.com , the first bill of 2011 will be to restore transplant coverage to AHCCCS, enabling the 97 Arizonans who are on the plan and currently need transplants to have it paid for by the public health plan our tax dollars were intended to provide. These people are fighting for their lives physically, emotionally and unfortunately financially.
During this time of cheer and good tidings, we should all be called to action to help these 97 individuals and their families have a return of hope. We can all do something to help, whether it is a donation to the fundraisers, sending a positive message to them or taking the time to phone the governors’ office to voice our views or reaching out to our representatives to enlist their support and vote to reinstate the coverage.
Whichever side of the aisle you support, this holiday season is a time when we can all come together to call our government to action. The 97 people, “Tate’s Team”, deserve a chance to walk down the aisle and live a full life, instead of being carried down the aisle before their time, because the democrats and republicans couldn’t work together as a team. It really is a time of year when we need to shed some light on the “parties” and make sure that Tate’s Team doesn’t lose this game!

A Reason, A Season, or a Lifetime...

Last night I was sharing a glass of wine with a sister-friend of 19 years, discussing kids, husbands (dead, divorced and newly wed), family and finally....friends. She shared the unbelievable and inexcusable actions of longtime friends whom she has known for over 20 years in the months preceding her wedding and of specifically the child-like meltdown one had during the actual reception. Her perspective and philosophy regarding both women was very healthy and refreshing, as she explained to me has taken her 42 years to reach this point and to which she summarized with these words, "Friends are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime....obviously, their season has past".

This is something you often hear, but last night it struck home with me as I reflected on the many friendships in my life and the reality I currently face with some of those individuals. For me, it is a hard reality to accept as I am a collector...a collector of friends that is. My closest friends are people I have known for years, one for 40 years, many for 30+, most for 18ish and a few for nine years. It is not in my character to "give up" on people and I view friendship as that daily challenge of being there for people you care about.

Maybe I view friendship this way because of the where and how I grew up...when you grow up in a small town, you have only a few options for friends, but this taught me that this is actually potential for unlimited opportunities. Opportunities to love people because you know who they really are, not just the persona they present to you...but the flawed and vulnerable person struggling to make it to the next day. Most of the people I know and love, see the good in me, even when I am not at my best, and they help me to be better through their love and support. If my love and support of them can give them that little bit of encouragement they need in facing their challenges, then how could I not be there?

So, when is the time to step back and step away? I think that answer is different for everyone and that is all part of our personal and spiritual journey. The answer has been clear for me with very few people as I hold out hope and answer every phone call and reply to every email I receive....no matter how long in between. I guess I don't ever want to turn my back on someone if there is a chance that they might need me, so I guess I will keep my eclectic, crazy, loving, frustrating at times, collection of friends. It's only been 40 years, maybe the answer will become clearer in the next 40 years!

Blessings in those around you....

To say it has been a while since I have posted would be an understatement to say the least! I will definitely make the effort to do better in that area. I usually wait for something to inspire me to prompt a posting on my blog and although there have been many inspirations over the past 16 months, I have failed to make the time to pen and post my thoughts.

So, today, I have great inspiration to blog as I sit here and think about the blessings in my life and acknowledge that we as humans don’t often enough take the time to just enjoy those blessings. I am surrounded by so many incredible people that God has put in my life to help cushion the ride on this journey. There is a saying that “God gives you just want you need just when you need it”. I have grown to truly appreciate that to be true and work daily to look for examples of that very love for each one of us.

This week, losing people is very prominent on my mind as I spent the day on Thursday at St. Andrew the Apostle Catholic Church paying respect and sharing memories of a dear friend who passed away last week, Dolly Echeverria. And, this morning I will again travel down Ray Road to a different church, Crossroads Church, to attend the celebration of life for a friend’s husband, Brian Messick, who also died in the past week. Sitting in the pews at St. Andrews on Thursday, I could not help but remember sitting there seven and a half years ago for my own father’s memorial service.

One of the blessings during that time and since that time has been the presence of Fr. Joseph Hennessy in my life, as well as my family’s life. He offered that same comfort and support to Dolly’s family as he gave his homily and tribute to Dolly and her ministry to her family, friends, schools, church and community. You never stop to think about a priest going through difficult times and what they do during those times, is continue to give of themselves to everyone around them. That is what I have seen in Fr. Joe over the past few weeks as he experienced his own loss of his friend, his challenger, his “truthful prophet” in Dolly.

I have thought about it and how do you offer advice and support to a priest? The only conclusion I have reached in my relationship with Fr. Joe is to tell him you love him and step back and let God guide him through it.

Fr. Joe sets off this weekend on his annual journey North, this year for three months. He says that the first couple of weeks are rough and he usually is sick of himself at the end of that time, but that is when he can truly connect with God and start to do the hard work. I expect that this year will be harder than most as he sits in Dolly’s cabin and sees all the beauty of the Montana ranch, and reflects on all the years she was that beacon in his life. So, as he hits the road this time, I say a special prayer and will continue to pray for his strength and healing in the Colorado Rockies, on the Oregon Coast, the Washington Cascades, the Montana ranch and the California beaches. May his hikes be energizing, his photos capture the beauty he sees and may God be with him to fill the loss and bring him back to us in the cooler month of October. Thank you Fr. Joe for always helping us through our challenges and losses, may God continue to help you through the love He has for you and the love we all share with you.

Tears, Tires and Talking to Daughters

As an adult, sometimes you find yourself at the tail-end of a situation and you will has a flashback to something similar happening in your past. Specifically, you will remember how your own parent(s) may have dealt with something you are now experiencing with your own offspring.

Today I flashed back to a time when I was in high school and with my newly acquired permit, I was driving with my grandmother and just when I was pulling into our drive-way, which was on a slight hill, I hit my mother’s Lincoln Continental car. If that wasn’t bad enough, the bumper of my 1971 Chevy pick up got caught on the bumper of the Lincoln and was locked that way! So, I was literally stuck in the collision with only the option of going inside the house and asking my father to help me solve the problem. The anticipation of his reaction caused my heart to race, but my steps to slow as I made my way through the door. I don’t remember the words I used to convey the accident and tangled metal which still awaited our return outside, but I do remember I ended the confession with choked words as I began to cry. It’s the memory of what happened next that has stayed with me over the past 27 years and what I reflected on late this Sunday afternoon.

My dad, who at his best was intimidating and gruff, smiled at me and said, “Babe, crying isn't going to make it any better….if it does, then hell, I’ll cry with you! Now, let’s get out there and take care of it.” Nobody except my mother and sister will ever completely understand the feelings I experienced in that moment, but in that moment, I could not have been more surprised or relieved. I learned so much from that accident, the most important thing of all was that I could go to my parents with anything and no matter how much I dreaded it, they would be there for me and help me through it, no matter how bad the situation.

So, tonight, I reflect on my daughter’s series of calls and text messages from Missouri; first to tell me that she hit a curb and had blown a tire – but she had already called AAA and was awaiting their arrival in the next hour, then to let me know that the driver had changed her tire, but that the tire was flat and she was at a station trying to get it aired up, and then finally to let me know that AAA had sent out another road-side assistance driver who had aired up the tire and tightened the lug-nuts for her (left un-tightened by the first guy) and she was mobile again and several communications in between regarding WalMart and Big O Tires as possible locations she would purchase a replacement tire. And, as I remember my own words to saying, "it was good that it wasn’t worse, it could have been a person she hit and it was God’s way of tapping her on the shoulder to be more careful", I hope she doesn’t feel too bad and isn’t being too hard on herself. I can’t remember how many times she apologized for the accident, all the time holding back her tears.

So, I hope that I didn’t make her feel worse than she already felt and when she flashes back to the memory, she will have the same smile on her face that I have when I remember how my dad made me feel in 1982. Because that tire didn’t mean anything to me, it’s the girl driving who means the world to me. Bumpers didn't matter that much in 1982 and tires don't matter much in 2009...but daughters are always valuable and irreplaceable...we just have to make them feel that way no matter what the year.

Maya Angelou once wrote, “People will forget what you say. People will forget what you do. But, people will always remember how you made them feel.”

Labels....What you read into them

I haven't posted in a week because I haven't been inspired until now. You will find that my blogs will most often be about something I believe or am passionate about. Well, I have found a topic which I feel great passion and inpiration, recently adressed by Ann Coulter in her latest book, "Guilty - "Victims" and their assault on America".....where do I begin?

Having not read the book and only versed on excerpts shared by Ms. Coulter during visits on talk shows, of course only on the shows which have been deemed "allowed to interview Ms. Coulter", I do not profess to speak from a place of full knowledge on her writings. The limited information I have from her interviews has been enough to remind me of how humans continually "label" others and form stereotypes to support those labels.

Ms. Coulter has a huge grievance with "single mothers" and what she calls a "selfishness" in being a single mother and the injustice to the children. She quotes that "70% of all incarcerated individuals come from single mothers", I will acknowledge that as a staggering statistic. The statistic I would be interested in learning would be what about the general population? What is the research on that? I don't have extensive research to support my perspective on single or solo parent homes.....what I have is personal experience and observations of many other single parent homes and the results they have achieved.

Nuclear families....what exactly is the definition of that? The term dates back to 1924, but became more prevalent in 1947 and beyond. George Murdock describes nuclear family as "The family is a social group characterized by common residence, economic cooperation and reproduction. It contains adults of both sexes, at least two of whom maintain a socially approved sexual relationship, and one or more children, own or adopted, of the sexually cohabiting adults." So, essentially, a man and a woman who are married to each other and live in the same house, can financially meet their commitments, have at least one child (adopted or birthed) and have intercourse with each other. So, marriage, house, child, sex and bills paid. Narrow criteria but no reference to children's success or happiness or even the more important presence of love.

First, I would like to clarify the use of the term "Single Parent", which more represents the marital status of the parent then their job description. If children have two parents who love, support and contribute to their lives and upbringing, but do not live in the same house - those are single parents. But, in the situation where children only have one parent who has the total responsibility for them, that is a solo parent. It really helps to distinguish between the two in considering not just the results they have achieved but in the statistics published.

The challenges in single parenting are many for the parents and children. There are essentially two homes, two incomes, often two families-two lives for the children to live. I do not proclaim to know the intricacies of being a child or parent in that situation. What I can state is that I have seen and known many children and adults who have achieved great things coming from single parents.

Solo parent homes have a different set of challenges to which I am well versed. One income, one parent, and for the good and the bad - one life. That one parent has the entire responsibility but also the autonomy in decision making. There is no fight in where the kids will attend school, what religion they will be and no confusion or playing one parent against the other. I have seen and so gratefully experienced successful children and young adults coming from that situation as well.

Those differences and definitions discussed, I resent Ms. Coulter's proclamations and attacks against single mothers and the results which they can achieve. Is it a harder road than the road travelled by parents and children of "nuclear families"? That I cannot qualify. I personlly would rather have a home filled with love and a focus on the chilidren, encouraging them to be responsible, productive and contributing individuals...no matter how many adults/parents reside in it.

I appreciate and respect that Ann Coulter has a right to think, write and spout her views on parenting, both nuclear and single. What I respect more are the many woman and men who work every day to provide loving homes for their children and encourage those kids to achieve the most they can; I appreciate the masses of children and young adults who have learned great lessons and values from those parents and finally I love that we are in a country that allows us all the right to think differently, write publicly opposing different views and spout our personal opinions. I just wish we didn't have the continual need to "label" groups of people in an attempt to prove all of those opinions....how about we just find ways to support everyone - single, solo, nuclear....aren't we all family?

With Love,
A Solo Mom

Right to Privacy

For many years I have been baffled by the insensitivity in American society. There is a widespread opinion that Americans have the right to know everything, even at the cost of someone else's privacy and or feelings. When did one individual's right to know override another individual's right to privacy? A recent example of this is the tragic death of Jett Travolta, the sixteen year old son of John Travolta and Kelly Preston. Within hours of being pronounced dead on arrival at a hospital in the Bahamas, there were news releases, blog discussions and CNN interviews discussing the cause and possible contributing factors in his death. Why is it any of our business?

Was the young Travolta's death connected in any way to his parent's careers or fame? No. Then why does it become news to release and dissect? It is sad whatever the cause. To analyze his medical diagnosis or treatment and even attack the family's faith is beyond intrusion, it is a blatant disregard for their loss, their feelings and their right to privacy.

I'm sure that my own personal experiences have made me overly sensitive and considerate of situations like the example above. I remember being a young mother widowed at 27 and being asked by the newly hired pool man, "How did your husband die?", to which I responded, "He asked me too many questions". Was that the nicest way to handle it, probably not, but it really wasn't too nice of him to disregard my feelings and pain in order to satisfy his curiosity. And, on a side note, the pool man stopped asking me personal questions after that.

Whatever the situation is, maybe we should all pause and ask ourselves - Do the details in this situation really impact my life or am I asking the question to satisfy my Puritan interest? If the answer is the latter, then the question should go unasked. It is time to let people, whether they are famous or not, have their privacy, feel their pain without scutiny and not become topics of news for things that are not any of our business.

The Puritan's idea of hell is a place where everybody has to mind his own business. ~Wendell Phillips

~May God help everyone dealing with deaths recent or long past....it is never a situation without pain and loss.